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NINE WEEKS into this endeavour, it occurs to me that we haven’t as yet attempted to distil awards ceremonies into a list. Given that this is Q, such an oversight is clearly remiss, and one that shall be corrected forthwith. Hence, presented here for your delectation, is the 10 Greatest Awards Moments… That I Have Seen.

Patently, that last qualifying statement rather prevents one from claiming that what follows is the definitive account of its kind (some would claim – cruelly – that such a thing has rarely given me pause for thought before), but not to worry. I now feel qualified to describe myself as an Awards Veteran. This year’s Q bash will be my ninth or tenth or even eleventh gong-giving gala (they do say it’s the memory that goes first) as a part of what is forever grandly titled an Organising Committee. In certain institutions they hand out gold clocks for less.

In no particular order, then, here’s that list:

12
Green Day’s modus operandi at awards ceremonies has become well established over the years. Essentially, it involves arriving early, staying late, and consuming oceans of free alcohol throughout. Buffoonery – always on their part – is the final, and perhaps inevitable, part of this equation. My particular favourite moment with regard to the plucky Berkley punksters occurred at the very arse-end of one awards aftershow party. Whilst everyone else was attempting to negotiate their way home, one solitary man was still badgering the DJ to play a last record – Green Day’s When I Come Around. Said gentleman was, heroically, the only person who subsequently stumbled onto the vast expanse of empty dancefloor to girate, unsteadily, to the record when the DJ’s resolve crumbled. This was Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong, and he was very, very drunk.

11
Any conversation with Glastonbury guru Michael Eavis – a perennial Q Awards guest – is always a joy. At the awards, especially, mostly because with the most gentle of prompting – and, “Hello, Michael” usually does it – he will crumble and tell you the entire bill for the ensuing year’s Glastonbury. My favourite encounter, however, was our first. “Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met,” said Michael, jauntily extending a hand. “Now, I always use the Q Awards for ideas as to who to get at the festival, so who’s coming this year…” Having dutifully run through the list of guests, I turned briefly to acknowledge someone else. Seconds later, I was back in front of Michael. “Hello,” he said as if seeing me the first time, which indeed he seemed to think he was, I don’t believe we’ve met…” And lo, we did the whole thing again. And again, a few minutes later. Complimentary bars, they do strange things to people.

10
Liam Gallagher’s reliable heckling of Coldplay’s Chris Martin during the latter’s acceptance speech. If only because, having begun with a predictable barrage of insults, the simian singer appeared to have exhausted his supply of expletives and, so stumped, simply shouted, “Plant pot!” at the bemused Martin.

9
Mortiis. Not a name, granted, that might mean all that much to you, or anyone else outside of a small band of loyal/deranged folk for that matter. For the record, the ‘Tiss -– as I prefer to know him – is a black metal musician of Scandinavian origin. Nothing especially novel in that, no, but the ‘Tiss’ very particular calling card was that he dressed himself as a troll. Obviously. This necessitated an elaborate, and in no way hilarious, facial construction involving a long, hooked nose, leathery skin and pointy ears. A great look for photographs, but one that was not so practical within the confines of a hot, sweaty hotel ballroom during an awards ceremony. Proving this point, Mortiis arrived at one such event in full troll garb. Within an hour, I had the following exchange with his assistant, who didn’t appear to think it at all worthy of mirth. “We have a serious problem with Mortiis.” “Whatever’s happened?” “His nose has melted… and one of his ears has fallen off.”

8
Shane MacGowan set Bono’s hair on fire. It happened during a photo shoot at the Q Awards, shortly after the latter had presented the former with an award. MacGowan, has is his custom, had thrown one unsteady arm around the U2 man’s shoulders, whilst the other absently waved a cigarette around. Shortly, smoke plumes could be seen rising from the top of the Saintly One’s head. We have pictorial evidence of this, which might surprise both men, since no one there at the time quite knew how to tell Bono his barnet was burning.

7
Like Green Day, Slipknot’s awards strategy quickly became customary, and can be distilled into one simple phrase – Acting The Twat. The masked men – all nine of them – were the big winners at one particular awards, picking up a grand total of three gongs. Upon winning each, they stood up, showered their table in glass and champagne, and generally behaved like chimps – albeit chimps in boiler suits and face masks – at a tea party. It may have looked vaguely decadent, had not a gentleman at the adjoining table taken exception to his regular soakings, and decided to wreak revenge by simply removing one of Slipknot’s chairs each time they waddled as one to the stage to collect an award. Thus, the rest of the room was treated to the tittersome sight of one, two and then three bemused masked men returning to their table, hunting high and low for their mysteriously disappeared seat, and then, not knowing what to do with themselves, squatting on the floor like recalcitrant schoolboys. This may have been the point when it became clear that Slipknot were not a terrifying band of psychopaths, but rather very silly men.

6
It has been told here before, but is I think worth repeating. All of the Prodigy, and some friends, are crammed into a single toilet cubicle backstage at the Q Awards. A fellow reveller, caught short, knocks at the door. Keith Flint it is who replies. “Fuck off,” says the erstwhile firestarer, “we’re having a business meeting.”

5
Actually, there’s another story about Green Day and a… But, no, common decency prevents me from relating it here. Likewise the one about the formerly well respected Paul Weller and A Friend. Onwards…

4
Acceptance films are a rum old business. Occasionally, however, they can produce pearls. Two in particular spring to mind. Franz Ferdinand, on tour in the US, took the trouble to film an entire skit, involving a phone and their support act Sparks. Very funny it was, too. A year later U2, also on tour in the US, filmed a veritable Welles-ian epic on stage during an arena show, which was equally amusing and also hugely impressive. Both have lingered in the memory. By contrast, the Red Hot Chili Peppers elected to mumble a few inaudible platitudes whilst looking as if they’d rather be having root canal work when it came to accepting their Best Act In The World award, which had been voted for by Q readers. At least, in their allotted 30 seconds, the Chilis displayed every last drop of the warmth and wit for which they have become so noted (ie. none on either count). Similarly ungracious at Q Awards past have been Patti Smith and Lou Reed; on immediate reflection neither revelation is that surprising.

3
Amy Winehouse – when a, relatively, fresh faced and untroubled soul – made a splendid Q Awards debut. The budding diva had to be coaxed out of a nearby bar to even make the ceremony. I still recall being pinned to a wall by the walking beehive hours later, for the express purpose of being told I should strongly consider giving her a job. History will record that is was perhaps for the best for both our sakes that no such offer proved forthcoming. Barney Sumner, late of New Order, also buttonholed me at another ceremony and confidently suggested that he could very easily turn his hand to producing a music magazine (indeed, one that would – and I quote – “be better than the one you cunts do…”). Until, that is, it was pointed out to him that this would require some form of discipline on his part every single month, rather than he shumbling into a studio every couple of years to knock out yet another half-baked record. At which point he retired to the bar.

2
Rare, in truth, is the star who descends upon the Q Awards official aftershow party to get drunk with our ad team. Can’t think why. Bjork proved to be a welcome exception to this rule, indeed she brought both her son and Damon Albarn along for company. The eternal pop pixie and rock’s renaissance man cut something of a rug on the dancefloor. How we, and they, laughed. We laughed further when Bjork’s offspring, much worse the wear for an evening’s free drink, tumbled headlong down a flight of stairs upon leaving the venue… Picked himself up, and then repeated the feat down the next flight. His mother’s response, alas, was not recorded.

1
And so… to Sir Elton John. The great man may have arrived at the Q Awards 2004 wearing strangely patterned socks and trousers that ended at the knee, and sporting what appeared to be a family pet atop his head, but everyone – and I do mean everyone – knew he’d been there by the time he left, thanks to a simple crack about Madonna miming on stage during his acceptance speech. As Elton left the stage post speech, he espied me lurking in a corner and said: “There’s tomorrow’s headlines for you.” How right he proved to be. Elton’s quip was covered by all of the UK’s national newspapers the next morning, many of them via the front page, and was discussed in places as diverse as the BBC’s Today programmen, Richard And Judy and CNN. It ensured that that year’s Q Awards turned from being a good old knees up into a Proper Event.

With three weeks to go till this year’s Q Awards, one hopes that someone, somewhere, is planning something similarly outrageous for the afternoon of 8 October. Sigur Ros, are you listening?…

Paul Rees – Editor, Q

12:48 PM | 11/09/2007