A gossip website recently unearthed an old clip of Bryan Adams' Reggae Christmas, as if this was somehow the epitome of wretched Yuletide cheesiness. How wrong they were. Compared to the following atrocities, Adams' festive number was a work of admirable dignity and restraint...
Celine Dion and Gloria Estefan – Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
John Lennon’s original was already mawkish enough; here the song’s sentiment perishes beneath an avalanche of treacle. For the full horror, fast-forward to 4.30, where Dion unleashes a volley of entirely unnecessary high-notes, as if trying to yodel Christmas itself to death.
Christina Aguilera – Christmas Time
There is surely no music on earth less evocative of seasonal bonhomie than the heartless, shark-eyed R&B-lite squeezed out by Aguilera on this resounding Yuletide stinker. Flick to 2.30 to witness the depressingly inevitable “Christmas rap” (complete with festive back-flips!)
Smashing Pumpkins – Christmastime
There’s a time and a place for Billy Corgan’s wafer-thin, asthmatic-tabby yowl, but dear God, Christmas is not it. Approximately as “festive” as shattering your jaw on a concrete bollard.
Destiny’s Child – 8 Days Of Christmas
Bling Christmas, anyone? Essentially a list of mercenary demands for designer goods (Chloe shades, an CLK Mercedes), this breezily hateful ditty evokes the authentic spirit of the season - in the sense that it sort of makes you want to kill yourself.
Snoop Dogg – Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto
A gloomy, expletive-strewn tale of “passin’ out gifts, blazin’ up spliffs”, the Doggfather’s festive effort doesn’t so much betray the spirit of Christmas as steal its wallet, break its kneecaps and drop a turd in its lap.
4:10 PM | 13/12/2007
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Great reviews. The Snoop Dogg one was classic - laughed 'til it hurt. Thanks and Merry Christmas Luke.
Posted by Kahli at 8:36 AM | 17/12/2007 | Report Abuse
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